Can you believe Mollie gets married tomorrow?! I don’t know if I’m more excited to get drunk at the bachelor draft table or if I’m more excited for Mollie to FINALLY shut up about her #WeddingDiet.
I mean I get it, I spend about 99% of the day thinking about how I can get skinnier and prettier (as if thats even possible) and the other 1% complaining about how I really wanna lose 3 pounds. Basically I decided to do yall a favor and give you the secret to finally being as skinny as me. Listen up Molls, I’d hate for someone to out-shine you at your own wedding 😉
Below I’ve rank your #WeddingDiet options by both difficulty and effectiveness.
1. If you can’t tone it, tan it diet. This is pretty self explanatory, tan fat always looks better then white fat.
- Difficulty: 0, if you can’t get your fat ass to a tanning bed there is absolutely no hope for you.
- Effectiveness: 8, while you don’t actually lose any weight, tan babes are always hotter then white babes, so theres that.
2. The close your mouth diet. This one is simple: don’t eat.
- Difficulty: 10, unless you have a human muzzle than probably more like a 3.
- Effectiveness: 10, if you can do this you’re about to look like Tara Reid circa 1990s.
3. Herbalife. Can you believe this stuff is still around?! Basically you drink nothing but protein shakes, a sweet kool-aid flavored protein mix, and a thermogenic tea all day.
- Difficulty: 8, while making shakes isn’t hard, you can always tell the people who are doing Herbalife because they are “bag people.” These people constantly carry around their shake containers, and beverage mix, and thermo-tea. Can’t leave home without your #HerbaBag which is super fucking annoying and nerdy.
- Effectiveness: 5, If you really wanna lose 100 lbs this is probably for you as it will limit what you eat, but if you really wanna lose 3 lbs don’t waste your time.
4. Purium. Another fad diet, or in this case “celebrity transformation” that is supposed to make you skinny and have great skin.
- Difficulty: 5, while you still have to make a power shake 3 times a day, you can actually eat a couple of regular food items.
- Effectiveness: 10, the day after I did this cleanse I ended up at El Hefe and basically ruined it all, so thats cool. However, the whole time I was doing the cleanse I felt great, and lost a ton of weight. Boom skinny.
- Bonus: It’s $250 for one week so it’s not for poor people.
5. Juice cleanse. This basically consists of only drinking juice for a matter of days in order to detox your body.
- Difficulty: 4, especially not if you live in Scottsdale, there are juice places all over the place.
- Effectiveness: 0, whoever came up with the idea that a juice cleanse is a detox is dumb. In order for your body to expel toxins those toxins need to attach to fiber. If you’re only drinking juice, which separates the juice from the fiber in fruits and veggies then you’re doing nothing. IDIOTS.
6. Matcha diet. The Monks do it. The Japanese do it. It cures cancer.
- Difficulty: 0, log into amazon prime, get matcha over night, make matcha all day.
- Effectiveness: 10, matcha is concentrated green tea so it boost your metabolism and helps you burn fat.
7. Adderall diet. Basically you re-live your college days where you took a bunch of adderall and stayed up all night to study for finals.
- Difficulty: 10, unless you know someone with a prescription who is willing to send some your way, you’re gonna have to figure out how to get it.
- Effectiveness: 10, not only does adderall help you focus and keeps you awake, it also curbs your appetite. No food = no calories.
8. The bro diet AKA the I only eat grilled chicken and eggs all day long diet.
- Difficulty: 5, even less if you have a crock pot to cook frozen chicken in over night.
- Effectiveness: 8, just make sure you’re also hitting the gym for that mid day muscle pump and you’ll be good.
- Bonus: you can invite boys over to your house “for dinner” and to show off your wifey skills.
9. The negative calorie diet. Did you know there are actually some foods that are negative calories when you eat them? Celery and cucumbers are an example, basically because its all water and your body burns more calories eating them than you do consuming them.
- Difficulty: 2, its not hard to eat celery, also cucumbers taste good with pink salt.
- Effectiveness: 4, its basically like starving yourself. Your body isn’t happy and you’ll have to curl the 15lb weights at the gym because you’ll be so tired. blah. shoo.
10. Vodka and water diet AKA the spring break diet.
- Difficulty: 7, it takes a strong betch to commit to only drinking vodka and not binge eating pizza for the entire week of spring break, but it’s a small price to pay to be the hottest one of your friend group.
- Effectiveness: 10, vodka only has 60 calories per shot, so you can take a bunch of shots and barley consume any calories. Drunk AND skinny. Win!
- Bonus: you’ll be drunk all week, can’t complain there.
11. The master cleanse. This one pretty much went out the window years ago, but basically you create this weird concoction of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.
- Difficulty: 4, as long as your prep and make the bottles of lemonade its basically like carrying a water bottle around all day. You can even put the mixture in a starbs cup if it makes you feel better.
- Effectiveness: 0, this shit sucks.
12. The shit it out diet. If a girl ever tells you she hasn’t done this, she’s lieing. This is the reason girls love coffee and the reason the office bathrooms are always crowded around 10am #CoffeePoop
- Difficulty: 0, not hard at all. Betches love coffee. Coffee makes you full. If you’re full you won’t eat.
- Effectiveness: 10, again, no food = no calories. Plus coffee gives you energy so you’ll want to go to the gym and do stuff, thus burning even more calories!
- Bonus: coffee makes you happy, and happy people don’t kill their husbands.
13. The when I’m about to faint I east a cube of cheese diet. Very similar to the not eating diet, except that when you are about to hit the breaking point you trick your body into thinking it’s going to get food.
- Difficulty: 10, again, unless you have a muzzle good luck
- Effectiveness: 0, your body is going to hate you for tricking it all the time and will get you back by gaining a ton of weight and making you fat. Karma is a bitch.
In conclusion if you want to be so skinny that you disappear when you turn to the side, like Mollie, you should try a combination of all 13 of these diets.