20 things that happen when you get a boyfriend

Incase you missed the disclaimer in my very first blog post, let me refresh your memory:

Disclaimer: when all my friends go back to doing fun stuff I’ll probably give up on this blog. So, like Tinder, don’t get too attached.

whoopsie :/

BUT REALLY it’s not my fault. It’s Mollie’s, and KP’s, and even PRP has been MIA on the B-L-O-G lately.

or maybe I should blame my boyfriend…

For the 4% of my readers that are in a relationship (or just Mollie), you are going to get this oh sooo well. The other 96% of you will probably panic, revolt, take a shot of vodka, and swear to never get into a relationship, all while cursing what used to be a kick-ass blog for turning into the ball and chain you want to strangle yourself with. Sorry not sorry.

#TBWednesday (whatever) to March 2015 and my first blog post about single life, tinder stories and drunken benders. What a life.

365 days and a quarter life crisis later, let me tell you, I HAVE NEVER FELT OLDER. Holy shit 25 hit my like a wall. And now I’m almost 26?! wtf?! The HR chick in my office asked me today when I’ll be joining the company health insurance. errrrrrrr

Despite all that I really think there is one culprit to blame here for the lack of blogging lately (because, obviously, I need to blame someone else) and that person is … Jarred AKA JMoney$$ AKA J-rizzle-fa-shizzle.

For all you single babes, get ready for a huge eye opener. Below I’ve included a comprehensive list of the way your life changes when you have a boyfriend.

  1. You stop drinking vodka and start drinking wine. I literally have no idea why this happens because I LOVED vodka. But it’s been tried and tested many, many times. Take Courtney for example: vodka loving single betch. And then there is Ashley and her hubby, with their wine aerator and Bota box cuddled on the couch.
  2. Your bed time gets earlier. YEP. When I was single I was swiping boys till the wee hours of the night. Now? I’m in bed by 8pm. Not kidding. And even considering doing anything that will last past 10pm on a Friday is out of the question.
  3. And with that earlier bedtime comes the Netflix struggle. Which means that at 8pm I watch episode 43 of House of Cards and when Jarred comes home at 10pm HE watches episode 43 of House of Cards. When you’re in a relationship it’s imperative to stay on the same episode of the season to avoid spoilers.
  4. Instead of online shopping for clothes you online shop for new houses. The last 3 emails I got from Jarred were houses he liked with comments “check out the backyard” or “love that kitchen island”. The best part: we’re not even house hunting! I have a house, Jarred has a house, we are not looking to buy a house!
  5. You fight over dumb stuff. One time I yelled at Jarred because he used vegetable oil instead of coconut oil to spray the pan when he was cooking breakfast in the morning. Word of advice: if a man offers to make you breakfast, you let him cook breakfast however he damn well pleases to cook breakfast.
  6. All boundaries go out the window. I haven’t seen the bathroom door closed in MONTHS.
  7. His stuff starts to take over your stuff. First a t-shirt, a hoodie, a pair of shorts. Next it’s his shoes, belts, and watches. Jarred has drawers in every room of my house. In fact, Jarred has a pair of shoes laying in every room of my house. Sandals in the bedroom, sneakers in the closet, and running shoes in the living room.
  8. You join a book club together. Bonus points if you share an Audible account.
  9. His habits become your habits. You could ask my mom the grand total of times that I made my bed pre-Jarred and she’d probably tell you: 4. HOWEVER, Jarred likes when the bed is made, so guess what? Now, I make the bed. EVERY.DAMN.DAY.
  10. Your pets become his pets. And I actually mean HIS pets, not OUR pets. Tilly likes Jarred more.
  11. When you go out, YOU GO OUT. The other night we stopped by Mollie’s to sit by a fire and have a bite to eat. Super casual right. Flash forward 2 hours and 10 flip cup games, Jarred and I were having a beer chugging contest and licking beer off each other.
  12. Things YOU used to do, now turn into things WE do. I use charcoal toothpaste, and now Jarred uses charcoal toothpaste. I go to BODI and now Jarred goes to BODI. I mealprep on Sundays and… Jarred watches TV while I mealprep on Sundays.
  13. All your texts turn into a discussion of chores. The iPhone has a fun feature where you can abbreviate and auto insert a phrase. For example omw auto inserts to “on my way!” When you’re in a relationship, this and dytott or “did you take out the trash” become the most used phrases in your phone.
  14. Your priorities change. Pre-relationship, I spent hundreds of dollars drinking mimosas on Sundays. Now in-relationship, I budget every single penny I spend and even try to budget Jarred’s money. I watch the price of boneless skinless chicken breast like you wouldn’t believe. When it gets down to $1.77 a lb at Sprouts, I stock up.
  15. Your maturity level goes wayyy down. The other day Jarred and I were grocery shopping and I jumped into the basket of the wagon and made him push me around the store. Literally not sure what I was thinking.
  16. You always get home safe. When you do go out for one of those all out drinking nights I mentioned, you always have a buddy to go home with. Even better yet, having a boyfriend means you rarely have to pay for the taxi or pizza #win!
  17. Having a boyfriend automatically boosts your Instagram stats. Not only do you now have your own personal photographer, you now have at least one guaranteed like on every single picture. Never again will you have to worry about not getting to 11 likes! Plus you’ll probably get more followers as your personal photog will make your pictures more artsy and less selfie.
  18. You never have to go through the awkward “pick a partner” moment ever again. Rather it’s beer pong, trust falls, or tandem skydiving you have a guaranteed buddy for everything. Even better you can now take advantage of the Chili’s two for $20 deal, helllllllo date night! kidding. kinda. those motz sticks are bomb!
  19. Speaking of date night. MORE DATE NIGHTS. I could not tell you the number of times I tried to plan fun things with the girls and we never ended up doing them. Ice Skating, Zoo Lights, Butterfly wonderland, trip to Sedona. But not Jarred. Probably because I control his sex life. But he always says yes! YES to NASCAR, YES to ice cream, YES to hockey games, YES to piano bars, YES to every fun activity I want to try.

I just re-read my writing and have no idea what I’m thinking. If you just skimmed the above because you got bored with my relationship psycobabble around #15 is when (somehow) all the negatives changed to positives of having a boyfriend. Maybe it’s that I NEVER again have to take out the trash (that’s Jarred’s job), or because I basically have a live in handy man. I guess it aint that bad.

Or maybe I REALLY am just THAT old. Countdown to 26: 3 months

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  1. Gag… barf… cry… smile!!

    And by that I mean I’m a jealous B. Love you, and love you happy!

  2. Gag… barf… cry… smile!!

    And by that I mean I’m a jealous B. Love you, and love you happy!